Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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