Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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