I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
