I cannot find my penis.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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