I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
They took my balls.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My feet surprised me
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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