Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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