The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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