Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
