When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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