You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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