Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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