great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize