you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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