The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
