False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
