well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize
