I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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