guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
