I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
