Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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