I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
