You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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