Cold hands, warm shart.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
