dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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