Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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