i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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