if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
