Sry I called you an 8
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
