I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
