This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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