I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
