why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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