Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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