I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he thought i was a dude.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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