the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
