someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
