Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
