Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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