Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
