I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
