Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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