Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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