Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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