i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
