Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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