I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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