david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
