Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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