do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
