If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
