I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
