if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
