heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
