Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
