You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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