Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
