I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
