i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
