Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
