There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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