I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
