I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
